03/04/2010 In Uncategorized by Tylan
Easter means more to me this year than it ever has. It is more real to me this year than it ever has been…
So much of “the trip” was to find You Jesus. To really find You. I did. Now I see You. Because of this, this week weighs so heavy on me. I know that this isn’t where You will leave me this week–sad, ponderous, thankful, overwhelmed with the tragedy and inhumanity and cruelty that You suffered. But, for now I can’t think of much other than what You were going through during this weekend a couple thousand years ago…
I slept late, having forgot to set my alarm clock to ensure I had my early time with You, while You watched Barabbas, the guilty one, walk free and heard the screaming, demon-infused crowd of religious leaders demanding crucifixion.
I ate a late breakfast of chocolate chip muffins while you were being stretched and nailed, literally nailed with spikes and a small sledge, to a beam of rough wood by crude, mocking, pagan, foreign soldiers that spared You no disgrace or granted any reprieve from the torture they conducted with such vigor and efficiency.
My late lunch, which followed a morning of routine house projects, took place after You’d missed lunch and breakfast. You were now suspended in agony and in the dark, experiencing two things of great horror that You neither deserved nor had ever experienced before: the ugliness of sin and complete separation; and these on a cosmic scale that we could never understand because we’ve never known anything else…
I slept, taking a nap, when the Father turned His back, You cried “It is finished!”, the ground shook, and the temple was “desecrated”.
I ate pizza and watched Air Buddies with my kids while Joseph, having talked with Pilate, was pulling down Your bloody, depleted, lifeless body so that it could be placed quickly into a hole in a rock.
I watched a movie, a comedy of no redeeming value, while the apostles, your Mom, and your closest friends were shell shocked, ashamed, crushed, and completely devastated by the reality of how quickly all had been lost.
Over and over my spirit wonders…why me?
I know the doctrine and can teach the theology, but my spirit ponders, why me Jesus?!
My Jesus, I love thee,
I know thou are mine.
For Thee all the follies
of sin I resign.
My gracious redeemer,
my Savior art thou.
If ever I loved thee
my Jesus tis now.